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Talk:Watch Out Now/@comment-3575890-20150318010426
It is hard for me to open my heart to love, but when I do love, I love wholly and intensely. Passionately, deeply, unconditionally, and irrevocably. Looking back now, after much clarity, I did not love him. But the feeling I ultimately can't let go of is that I could have. I really could have loved him, and that is not an easy feeling to evoke out of me. I do not fall in love easily. I am very conscientious with my heart . If I let people in, I do it gradually one step at a time. I have only ever loved one man and he broke my heart beyond all reparability. I gave him seven years of my life before I finally called it quits for a plethora of valid reasons I won't even begin to get into. That was without a shadow of a doubt a toxic relationship, but I loved him and I allowed that love to consume my better judgement and emotional welfare for years until it all festered to the point of which I knew I would lose myself completely if I stayed with him, and eventually I gained the strength to choose me over him. The depths of emotion of which I can feel for a person scare me. My ex (not this last guy, but THE EX) is proof of that when I love I am consumed by it. Love for me is a dangerous thing. I am already scared to death thinking about the possibility of developing feeling for yet another person when every person I have ever felt for has burned me in some way. I am so emotionally damaged and afraid nobody can ever love me in the way I want to be loved because of the way I am. Even now when I am indeed long over THE EX, the scars still remain and carry over into all of my other relationships. And this last guy - this guy being the first in seven years that I could see myself loving in due time - opened closed doors and deep-seated wounds that have never fully healed. May never truly heal. I am sad, and I am not shamed to admit it. I don't want him anymore, but I do care for him still. I worry for him as well. I know he's in pain and I know he has self-destructive ways of dealing with being in pain, so no matter the cold nature of his treatment of me these last few weeks, I hope he's okay. I really do. I do believe that he is a good person deep down. Just scared and lost. But that's part of the reason it never could have worked out anyway. I greatly resent the way things ended between us though. There is barely any closure and I hate knowing that the last exchange between us was so cold and impersonal. Perhaps it's just that I have a lot of will to retain people in my life, but I never truly could wrap my head around the idea of breaking all contact with somebody whom you once had intimate feelings for. I understand why many people do break all contact, but it's a sad thing to have somebody there in your life one day and then gone the next. I maintained contact with THE EX and while at first it was very rocky and did more harm than good, it hasn't hinder my self growth any. We don't speak regularly and there's no reason that we should, but we do check in with each other from time to time and I take comfort in the security of knowing he's only a text or call away. It is so much easier when it doesn't feel as though the person is a dimension and a galaxy away. I spent all of this weekend with one of my trusted male friends whom is also going through a breakup. After many drinks, we half-hooked up, but thankfully I came to my senses long enough to realize that meaningless rebound sex wouldn't make either of us feel better. I have no doubts that if we had it wouldn't have changed anything as our friendship is so platonic, but I'm really glad we chose to skip the inevitable shame spiral and give each other our company by way of moral and emotional support instead. Unloading on each other all weekend definitely helped immensely. So it's been only a few days since this last guy and I officially broke up, but I am already feeling a lot lighter and chipper about all of it. The idea of dating other people again gives me a twinge of excitement where before there was dread. (although don't get me wrong. I still think it's a real drag having to once again start all over with someone else) Still, I know I will never hear from this last guy again and it's a depressing thought, so I'd be lying if I said I would be fine with never seeing him again for as long as I live. If I ever ran into him again, I'd want us to be on good terms. It really bothers me that it ended as abruptly and harshly as it did, but such is life I guess. I don't want to forget him completely, but I probably should. Anyways, I am so sorry you guys if I have been such a pain in the ass these last few months with constantly sharing my every thought and feeling. I know it must get pretty annoying always seeing me post about whatever it is I'm feeling in that pinpoint moment, but I write these more for myself than anything. It's so cathartic to just let go and write it all out. I think at this point a lot of people here have come to view this wiki as a kind of interactive personal journal for them to record their daily lives and share their innermost feelings/thoughts and may I just say that the intimacy in that is one of the things I love most about this board.